It's Okay to Not Be Okay: Opening up about my journey with mental health

TW: Talks of suicide and self-harm.

In light of the recent deaths of Stanford soccer player, Katie Meyer, Wisconsin soccer player, Sarah Shulze, and most recently, James Madison softball catcher, Lauren Bernett, I have seen many current and former student-athletes come forward and open up about their struggles and battles regarding their mental health.

Katie Meyer, Sarah Shulze, Lauren Bernett, Tyler Hilinski, Madison Holleran, and my friend Jordan Wiggins are just a few of the names of collegiate student-athletes who have taken their own lives.

I have previously opened up about my own struggles with my mental health, but it was only briefly. However, these stories, in a way, has seemed to inspire current student-athletes to no longer stay silent and open up about their previous or current struggles.

In the world of athletics, the only thing that seems to be held/ looked at as important are the wins, the rankings, championships. Rarely are athletes looked at as the humans they are. The humans who wake up every day, go to practice, workout, attend classes, study hall, treatments, team meetings, advising appointments, and then at some point they find the time to do their homework, study, oh yeah, and try to find the time to get in a meal and have somewhat of a social life.

I had struggled with my mental health prior to coming to college. My first memories with it are from when I was in middle school but to be completely honest, at one time in my life, I was attempting to forget about this portion, so I am not completely sure what grade level or levels I was really struggling.

I didn't really have a "friend group" in middle school. It was more that I had a good number of friends, but they were all involved in their own groups/ cliques. I often felt lonely. There was one friend of mine that I had several classes with, we'll call her M. There is one memory that distinctly sticks out. M and I were sitting in our history class next to one another, we were talking about our struggles, and I had looked down at my wrist to see the marks that I created the night prior. The teacher walked behind me, and I quickly yanked my sleeve down to hide them.

I don't recall the exact time I resorted to self-harm as a coping mechanism. I just remember that it was a very dark point in my life that I hide for a long time. I became clean around the start of my freshman year of high school. I had a better group of friends and I felt loved. Now, that isn't to say I wasn't loved before. I know I was but when you are in a dark place, at least the way I felt, I wasn't able to connect that I was loved despite me knowing even at the time that many people cared for me. My self-harm continued for a while, and I began to have thoughts of ending my life. That time in my life is a bit hazy so remembering the time I quit harming myself is also blurry.

I never resorted back to any sort of physical harm on myself as a copping mechanism after I quit, at least not to that extreme but we will get into that a little later. High school was challenging, I had started shooting the summer leading up to freshman year and already had some success within the team and the NJROTC program I was in. I had not faced at struggles that stick out regarding my mental health and sport till my sophomore and junior year. It was after my freshman year season that my current coach announced he would be leaving the school, it was heartbreaking for the entire team as he was a great coach who truly loved all of his athletes. The school began working to find a qualified individual to fill the position of a JROTC instructor who would then take over the team as well.

When the school found a new instructor and coach, things started off rocky and I felt the love I had for the sport begin to diminish, as well as the enjoyment I had in the JROTC program. By the time I was a junior, I was ready to quit the team and leave the program. My parents did not like the idea and told me that I would come to regret it, as did many other adult figures in my life. After many hours spent making my decision, I decided to push through and get through the rest of my junior and senior year.

My senior season was filled with many highs and limited lows. I qualified for the Georgia State Championships as an individual and then helped the team qualify for the first time since 2012. I qualified for Navy Nationals and All-Service as an individual, it was the first time my high school (Luella) had been represented since 2012 which funny enough, was my brother’s senior year. My senior year was the class of 2019. I had joined a club rifle team that brought back my enjoyment of shooting and created my true love and passion for the sport. While I was a bit late to the game compared to my peers, I worked extremely hard to improve my scores and begin researching NCAA programs in hoping of securing a spot on a team. In April of 2019 I attended my official visit to Georgia Southern and was later offered a spot the next month. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Things slowly began to crumble down following my signing, after a disappointing performance at State Championships, I felt like I had hit a slump. My scores were suffering, and my mental health began to do the same, I was using my scores and athletic performances to define my worth. One of the biggest matches prior to starting my college career was USA Nationals, one of the most anticipated matches of the year, despite my struggles, I felt ready, I felt as though I had improved and was looking forward to the match. That weekend I dealt with a lot of back pain due to a poor sleeping situation and it completely shot me down. I broke, it felt like the last straw.

That was my last match before getting to Statesboro, GA. The place I was anxiously looking forward to calling my home for the next four years. My freshman year was rocky and some of the things that happened I would rather keep private. All of that on top of the normal college stressors sent me downhill. I began seeing a therapist and was told I was showing the signs of having anxiety and depression although I never got clinically diagnosed. I sobbed on the phone to my parents about how I didn't want to do this anymore... be here anymore. To be honest with you, I'm not sure if I was talking about not wanting to be at school, or if I meant I didn't even wish to be alive anymore.

Fast forward, the year came to a close. COVID 19 had a major impact on everyone's lives and the week after conference we were sent home for the remainder for the school year. I almost feel guilty saying this, but I was honestly somewhat relieved. I got to go home and get away from what felt like a never-ending nightmare.

Then came sophomore year. I had high hopes of it being better and it actually was for a while. Until it wasn't. While this was a different situation regarding how I was treated by someone in a high position, it is still scary for me to talk about, it has continued to this year. My love and passion for the sport felt completely drained as I felt as though I could do nothing right and was consistently beaten down. I was sick of it but knew the help I needed was available. However, I hesitated on reaching out for a long time.

I had previously seen a therapist back during my freshman or sophomore year and it did help and I felt as though I was in a good place so I ended my visits. When things got rough once again they were so much worse and I am scared to say that I began wondering if I could go on much longer. I ended up speaking with a sports psychologist at the university that I am blessed to have. Since then my mental health has come an incredibly long way. I ended up While there are still some struggles, I feel much happier and confident than I think I ever have before. I look forward to what the future holds, and I feel like I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel again. Things do get better.

The topic of mental health, especially in athletics has become something I am very passionate about advocating for. I have recently gotten involved in an organization called The Hidden Opponent. I have mentioned it before but in case you are unfamiliar, THO is a nonprofit organization that focuses on advocating for mental health. I highly encourage you check them out as they do amazing work. You can do so by clicking here.

Since the beginning of March, we have lost three student-athletes to suicide. I scroll through social media and see more and more people discussing these tragedies and while I will say that I believe this has been being talked about more and more which means we are headed in a better direction, we have to do more. We must keep these conversations going so we do not continue to lose the lives of these beautiful people. We have to talk about change, keep being loud about it and demanding that the NCAA discuss and make changes to better the environments student-athletes are in every single day, demand that it be required that every athletic program has a sports psychologist for their athletes and to help with funding if that university is not able to provide one due to financial obstacles.

You never know what someone is going through. Be kind to others and if you are struggling know that you are loved and valued. My DM's are always open if you every want to talk or for someone to just listen. I promise you things will get better and you do not have to fight this battle alone.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255